just breathe.

Maybe it’s true. Maybe I did date scumbag assholes who are self-righteous, ignorant, arrogant, mean, disrespectful pieces of shits that take me for granted.

They see this vulnerability I have for them, and take full advantage of it.

They lie, tell me the things they know a female wants to hear..

Then what? Then you fall for them.

Then they lure you in,

Trample on your heart, 

Break and shatter it into a million pieces.

Who’s left to clean it up?

No one but yourself.

So as I get a fucking broom to sweep up the remnant of my already absent heart,

…..I slip up again. And I forget.

I step over these glass shards that are now embedded deeply within the soles of my feet.

My heart is calloused, bruised, tattered, torn apart, stapled back together, stitches missing, dark from the dried up dead blood.

Its been used as a mop to clean up these glass shards that are left on the floor waiting to be cleaned up.

They see the vulnerability in you, recognize that- and use that to their advantage.

They thrive off of that.

Because they’re that pathetic.

Then…my naive feeble mind is fully aware of this….and I fall for it. Over. And. Over.

I spend way too much time on social media related websites. (Instagram, twitter, facebook, and tumblr). I should be out experiencing life…not trapped inside my own head then broadcasting it on these websites.

I need to read more books, to be more physically active (exercise whether it be going to the gym, kick boxing, and etc), to be more adventurous, gain more experiences in different things, and experiment and try new things.

But I also need to be in solitude. Not completely of course.

I need to figure out my plan. And go through with it.

DO. not THINK or WANT.

Always the same shit.

was the year that i 

-worked a job that i fucking hated and dreaded

-got my car keyed

-got accused of stealing someone’s mom’s shit

-dated two different guys with unusual exotic spanish names

-found out my credit score is brutally fucked in the ass

-almost died from alcohol poisoning(14+ shots of whiskey in one sitting)

-had way too much down time with maryjane

-found out i owed my art college $10k

-worked like 4-5 different jobs

-lost a lot of friends. made a lot of new ones

-got my car towed the day of christmas. had to pay 87.50 while my friend paid the other half

-iDFSJFLKDJFDLJFLDJPOEYSDGs

stay true to your word.

Gentle giant. Has the potential to put someone in their place, whether it be a witty comeback or a physical threat.(for the assholes who deserve it) Wont ever let a man lay his dirty audacious finger on his/a woman. Treats her like royalty, but not to the point shes spoiled and hes a pushover pussy whipped guy. Knows how to push the right buttons at the right time. Gives her genuine attention and doesnt mind her quirks and flaws. Doesnt ever think her symbolism of love is annoying. Appreciates everything about her. Her curves, her flaws, her scars. Understands and accepts her past. Never raises his voice at her. Is cool, calm, and collected. Is an aggressive lover. Is a passionate soul whisperer. Has a heart that can block the ozone hole. Genuinely cares about the people she loves. Is giving and selfless. Not to the point its self destructive. Loves her for who she is. Not how others see her, how nice her ass is, how tight she is, and how good she is at giving head. That is really specific/scrupulous/finicky with the women he involves himself with. Thats the dream man for me.

I’ve realized during the past week that:

-I shouldn’t and will not express my hurt from home out on other people. Grandma’s recovery is spectacular actually, Thank God and America for Medicaid and Medicare.

-I should never take people for granted and test them.

-If my gut tells me otherwise, to not go through with anything and stick with my gut feeling.

-To never be taken for granted and go unappreciated.

-To be more optimistic and evolve my dreams and wishes into actual actions. Baby steps at a time of course.

-For fucks sake to stop moping around and take action into making shit happen. 

your mom calls you and tells you your grandma is going to the ER at 7:30AM when…..

you call your cousin and find out she’s safe in your cousin’s car getting her regular doctor’s appointment checkup…..

when you fucking get ready from spending the night at your boyfriends house thats 20 minutes away and literally E on gas…..

what the FUCK man.

-you didn’t have to work hard for your money

-you didn’t have to work hard to have your dream body

-you didn’t have feelings

but unfortunately, that’s not how the world works.

so excuse me while i attempt to achieve my dream goal body…then forget and not complete that task. fuckmylife.

“you need to carry yourself higher than you set yourself to be.”

“why?”

“look at you…you’re gorgeous. any guy would be lucky to have you.”

thats so sweet.

but its too bad when they have me, they take me for granted.

none of that is even relevant though. i dont have time for a relationship anytime soon.

i’m too busy chasing my ambitions.